Family Law Lifeline : Chicago Family Lawyer & Attorney : John Steele Law Firm : IL Divorce & Adoption

In today's hyper connected world, with a smart phone in everyone's pocket, people twittering in real time, blogs, Facebook, and of course a person's life story one Google search away, I am surprised that it is still hard for clients to reach their lawyers and vice versa.  It goes without saying that people rarely come see me with a family law problem unless its fairly serious.  The kind of problem that causes clients to want a stranger to solve a personal, emotional problem involving a child or spouse. Likewise, things can go from back burner to barnburner with one call from the other side, and we attorneys like to be able to reach clients whenever we need to.

That being said, I have had clients who routinely fail to pay their cell phone bill (which is their only phone).  I have had to write letters to cover myself when I could not reach a client for 5 weeks.  So my advice to people using a lawyer's services is not to hamper that lawyer.  Be available by email and phone.  My clients expect me to get back to them the same day they call or email me, and I don't think I have failed to do that in years.  At the same time, I have literally been unable to reach clients when I was simply trying to get their new address to send them a settlement check.  

Here are some reasons to be 'ultra available':

1. It's cheaper - Lawyers have to draft letters to missing clients, explain what is going on to opposing counsel, go to court for continuances, and so on when the client does not help them by being available.  This all takes time.  Guess who is paying for that time? You are.
2. It's Quicker - Related to #1.  Obviously if you do not get back to your attorney with an answer, they have to wait.  This means the other side usually has to wait.  This means nothing is going forward oftentimes.  While sometimes a client may wish to delay matters, this is a strategic decision, and not something that should occur as a result of a communication failure. 
3. Lost Opportunities - Sometimes a family lawyer comes across information that can allow their client to gain a strategic edge.  I can think of several instances recently that a client failed to get back to me for 5 days or longer, and the useful information, and options stemming from that information, was no longer useful.  While I would love to describe a few of them, for obvious reasons I cannot. Suffice it to say that someone hearing one of my stories would shake their head in disbelief if they heard them.   Clients have missed opportunities because their weekend was 'private time', or 'they don't answer their phone after hours'.
4. Team Building - You want to develop a partnership with your attorney.   While your not looking to be best buddies, you do want your attorney to care about your situation, and to feel motivated to look out for you.  And frankly, such a feeling does not come solely from paying your bill.  When an attorney can never reach a particular client, it frustrates them.  It makes them less likely to work on your case, as they know that you won't be around to help, or give necessary input.   I could write a book on developing a healthy relationship with professionals that you hire, whether they be attorneys, accountants, doctors, or whatever. Simply paying a professional guarantees that they will help you, but you want an attorney to care about your case.  Personally, my soft spot is 'Thank you' cards.
5. Information sharing - Clients often forget that their attorneys do not know what is happening in their lives, and the lives of the children, opposing parties, or whoever.  When clients talk to their attorney, they update that attorney so he or she knows what is going on.  There are times when a client will tell me how a weekend visit went and mentions some action on the part of their spouse that is very useful, and has been used at trial with great effectiveness.

Some caveats:

Talking to your attorney costs money, so obviously do not waste your attorney's time (and your money). And do not let your attorney chit chat for no purpose.  Few good attorneys will do this, as we are very busy and have lots of billable work to do. Taking notes avoids having to rehash things that may slip your mind.  If nothing else, you will not have to call your attorney and ask what the two of your decided last year about issue X.

Conclusion

Attorneys have a duty to be even more available to their clients regardless of their client's behavior. Every one of my clients have my personal cell phone, and are told to call it at any time.  Sure, phone calls cost money. But a 15 minute call at 1 a.m. may save you from getting arrested, or taking some action that will screw your child custody case, so do not be penny wise and pound foolish.  And if you follow the above advice, your cases will almost always end sooner, end better, and end cheaper.

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Oral agreements have a wierd habit of disappearing, usually when one party is relying on that agreement.  It is crazy that a person who no longer trusts/loves/whatever a former spouse/sex partner can turn around and assume that the other person will adhere to a verbal promise to share parenting time as discussed 5 years before (for example). 

As Ronald Reagon famously said, "Trust, but verify".  Putting agreements in writing is well worth the legal cost and time.  I couldmake lots of examples, and I have many real cases in my head that I could describe.  Bit it is just easier to tell people to get it in writing, and hope some more people follow the advice.

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Normally when an attorney wishes to get an order from a judge, they file a motion, and 'notice' the other parties.  Typically there is a seven day time frame, to give the other side time to plan/respond, and out of courtesy.  But what if it can't wait?  Then we have the emergency motion.  Generally overused, almost always costlier for the client, poorly understood by some attorneys, and migraine inducing for the judge who has to hear it.

In an emergency motion, the filing attorney is saying there is a problem so time sensitive that if the judge does not hear it that day, great harm will come to their client or another person.  A good example of an emergency motion would be if one parent takes a minor child against the wishes of the custodial parent and refuses to return the child.  A bad example would be to ask a judge to move a previously scheduled status date due to a vacation (these are actual examples by the way).
Here is why they are bad.  First, it costs more to file, and to argue.  Since said motions are heard after the regular calender call, the attorneys often have to wait a couple of hours.  The judge has to determine if the motion is truly an emergency.  If they decide it is, they will hear it.  If they decide its not an emergency, they get annoyed at the filing attorney and makes him file it with due notice.

Judge Boyd in Cook County has a helpful definition of what an emergency is in his courtroom (I doubt many attorneys wish to go into 1605 with any frivilous motion, let alone one that interupts Judge Boyd's morning).  I have been served quite a few emergency motions this year, and most have been unnecesary.

But I have also been a part of true emergencies, so its a good tool to keep in mind for when necessary.

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A client recently asked me whether he should go back to his home to help his wife (this was during a divorce) move some boxes.  I said "no, because based on her history, she may likely accuse you of hitting her, and you could get arrested."  Guess what happened!

The next morning I was at a bail bond hearing.  Experienced attorneys that focus on family law have seen enough cases to be able to predict what happens in divorces better then a client who is going through their first divorce.  Use that knowledge! Attorneys are not perfect, but they generally have more practical knowledge of divorces.  That is why we get paid to help people through it. 

There is no need to blindly listen to your attorney, but you should feel comfortable with taking his or her advice.  Lastly, if you are not comfortable with your attorney's advice, get a new attorney!

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Every once in a while I am in a consultation with a prospective client and after discussing their  case, describing how I would handle their issue, explanation how their case was going to proceed, discuss strategy, and so on.  Then the prospective client explains that they do not have money to retain an attorney, and asking if I do work Pro Bono.  Pro Bono is latin for "I will work for you for free".  Trust me when I tell you that in those rare times that a private attorney is willing to spend his time and resources to represent someone in an area of law in which there will be an unknown time commitment, he or she will definetellet the client know.  Generally, it is hard to pay the bills and your employee's salaries with thank you letters from Pro Bono clients.

Besides, do you want a person representing you who has no incentive to fight on your behalf (other than perhaps a desire to help strangers)?  There are agencies that provide free legal services, but those attorneys get paid by an agency so they are least getting paid by someone to help you.

The moral of this story is don't ask attorneys to provide free legal services, and be very afraid of those attorneys that would actually agree to such a request.

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Attorneys are expected to make court dates and appointments.  If a client of mine were to show up at my office for a scheduled appointment and I was not in my office, my client would be very upset.  If an attorney does not respect your time, they may not respect your case.
In a similar vein, if you retain an attorney, follow these three simple rules to insure a great relationship with your attorney:

1. Do what you say your going to do.  Show up to meetings. Call if you cannot make a meeting. Send in paperwork you say you will.

2. Don't lie to your attorney.  With attorney-client privilege, there is no reason to hurt your case by not giving your attorney all the information.  Bad news will usually come out from the other side anyway.

3. Pay your bills.  Honestly, attorneys are like anyone else, we resent working hard, fighting for your rights, only to then have to chase you down for payment.  The kind of attorney you want can not maintain the level of commitment to your case that you want if in the back of his/her mind they are worried about getting paid.

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In the heat of the moment, people often forget common curtesy.  Attorneys tend to handle this simple concept better then clients, who are emotionally involved and have a lot of anger.  That being said, attorneys are people too.  I found myself getting in a heated argument with another attorney and later that day, I asked myself what got into me?  After seeing so many clients lose their cool, I did the same.  And I think a large part of it is curtesy (or lack thereof). People want to be respected.  And when we do not get respect, we get indignant and lash out.

I have seen negotiations break down because the other spouse acted like an ass out in the hallway during negotiations.  In other words, my client was ready to compromise and settle everything until his spouse started insulting him in the hallway.  So silly.  I have found myself reminding spouses going through divorce that at one point it was a "till death do us part", "mother of my children" kind of relationship.  But now, that same person cannot say their spouses name without prefacing it with a swear word.  Normally, the mediation process starts to work when the two parties are tired of venting on the other spouse, and are ready to move on.

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I learned the hard way today that employees at the DuPage courthouse are really anxious to leave work! Don't stand near the doors at 4:30 (or try to get an emergency motion heard after 4 p.m.).  Oh well, lesson learned.  

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I got the opportunity to experience a real, honest to god bully today in the form of an opposing counsel in a case I have.  I suppose I can see how being an ass might get you somewhere if you are up against a pro se party who has no idea of what is happening, or maybe a timid transaction attorney that somehow found themselves in a divorce case.  But another attorney whom you will have to deal with again and again?I am not sure why some Family Law attorneys purposely try to build up their mystique as a jerk.  The attorney I am thinking of scares other experienced attorneys, who do not like dealing with the person.  On the other hand, I enjoy it.  I put a lot more effort into beating them, and take satisfaction out of stopping their antics.  Why?  Not really sure.  I think it has something to do with going through middle school and being subjected to the evil whims of 8th graders.  Now I get to make up for that abuse so long ago (and get paid to do it).  Plus its in the best interests of your client to prevent the other side from steamrolling you. Standing up to a bully, whether some blowhard attorney, or an 8th grader feels good.Try it sometime.

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A situation I observed today made me think of something.  Here is a good piece of advice: ALWAYS use an attorney with malpractice insurance.  Malpractice insurance can protect you in case the attorney does something unethical, incorrect, or illegal. Also, I have never met an attorney I feel is a good attorney that does not have it.  Think about it, if an attorney or firm does not have enough worldly possessions to make it worth his while to spend $2000 a year on insurance for the practice, how good can they be, and how much can they really care about their clients?

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I am surprised at how freely car mechanics and waiters give out legal advice.  While normally I am not one to correct strangers at parties when they are trying to explain questions of Constitutional Law (unless they are citing MSNBC), I do wonder why people go outside their area of expertise. I would never try to troubleshoot a car engine, or a tax law question, because I am not knowledgeable about those areas.  That reminds of an often heard complaint people tell me and my attorney friends (yes, attorneys do have friends).  People are often dismayed to find out I do not know every area of law, and am not able to give a legal opinion off the top of my cuff at a dinner party.  1. I try to specialize in a few related areas (prevents complaints and malpractice problems).2. I don't like to spout off legal theories, courses of action to strangers for free (prevents complaints and malpractice problems).3. I will not know all the facts from a half drunk dinner party guest so my answer will normally be off anyway (prevents complaints and malpractice problems).  See a pattern? Lawyers who spent lots of money and time before and after becoming lawyers like to keep their license.  Besides, maybe your mechanic is really smart! 

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Today my client sent me my monthly payment for services in a Thank You card that read in part, " Thanks for helping me to feel that I am not alone in this mess!" Last week I got a baby gift from a client who found out my significant other is expecting a baby.  Having happy, or grateful clients, who leave my office better than when they came in is a much more rewarding feeling than simply making money.   Of course one can say such lofty comments when one is not worried about the mortgage I suppose.  But I do remember my dad reminding me every so often that if a man enjoys what he does, he never works a day in his life.  And to my client who sent me the card, thanks for making my day! 

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What a wonderful time of the year for those of us who are not married, almost married, or with someone we might want to marry.  (Sarcasm alert)  Of all the Hallmark holidays, this is the one I think is most unfair, both to those who build it up to impossible expectations and to those who have to pay for the expensive dinner and gifts. Given my feelings about this special day, I filed two Divorces this morning in Cook County.  But to truly get in the spirit, I had to take it to the next level. So in honor of Valentine's Day, I am giving a presentation to a local networking group about divorce and child custody.  I was able to help educate people interested in information about the mechanics of leaving their loved ones, and all the related pieces of legally severing 'till death do us part.'  I think the heart and cupid decorations might have been a little over the top, but you have to add a little humor to a topic like divorce (or bankruptcy, or wills, or . . You get my point).For those of you who are happily in a great relationship, enjoy this day with your loved one.  I promise I am not jealous . . .  ok, maybe a little.

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Complying with a court order, or any legal agreement/obligation for that matter, is not enough.  You have to be able to prove you complied.  Why is it that people forget this simple rule.  It seems obvious to me.  Let's propose a simple hypo: You are ordered to pay child support in the amount of 1000 dollars a month.  You pay it on time in cash every month to the spouse for one year.  The spouse takes it, thanks you, and doesn't write out a receipt.  How much support did you pay at the end of the year?

Answer=$0.00

Sure the ex-spouse may testify that they got the money, and does not want the court to force the ex to pay the $12,000 again.  Right.  Back to reality .  .  .

On a related note, do not create bad paper trails.  By this I mean nasty emails or other correspondence that forces your attorney to have to defend stupid comments made in the heat of a divorce.

In summary, you want proof that you are complying with the court and do not want proof that you are a jerk. Easy right?

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I am putting together a seminar to address people's concerns and questions about divorce, child custody, and child support in Chicago next month.  It should be interesting.  I hope to be able to provide some perspective and explain the overall process.  I think that as family law attorneys, we forget that most people don't really know what the process is, and what they think they know is simply wrong.  A friend mentioned that it seemed strange to offer a seminar to educate people about family law for free.  After all, with enough information, one can go to the courthouse and take care of everything themselves.  I gave his three rebuttals: First, I have found that the more I share information with people, the more they come to trust me and the more business comes my way.  Many people do not feel like trusting their life's savings and children's future to self help forms, and a 'gut feel' earned through Law & Order reruns.  Second, I have found that it is often cheaper and quicker to bring an attorney in from the beginning.  I have worked with people who started their divorce themselves, realized they were in over their head, handed their case to me and I had to clean it up.  Cleaning can be costly, and almost always involves 'restarting the case', since few non-attorney's actually show up to the many status checks required by the court, and allow their divorce to be dismissed.  Third, so what?  If people have a simple divorce, with no children or property and agree to everything, they probably don't need an attorney.  For those people, I suggest trying it yourself with perhaps an attorney reviewing the decree (thats the final and important court document that lays out everyone's post divorce responsibilities). I will see.     

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I shake my head when I read papers from people declaring that government needs to get more involved in people's private lives: http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1084562 The problem with such government meddling is that it doesn't work.  Communism's failure in the 1900's is a stark testament to the unpredictable nature of central control.  Unintended consequences result from every action.  A simple example: You save a bird, and feel good that you helped out a living creature.  But that bird has an illness that makes people sick, and proceeds to infect dozens of Chicago citizens.   Similarly, the Miami city government years ago had to address a rampant rat problem, so they decided to import a few hundred cats, today there is a larger wild cat problem in that city than the rats ever posed.  Do we really want 'incentives' for good behavior (at least what the government decrees is good behavior).  In the above paper marriage was deemed a good status and unmarried cohabitation was deemed a bad state of living.  But there are horrible marital situations filled with abuse and neglect, and unmarried couples leading commendable lives.  No one size fits all solution has ever  worked, especially when created by a federal bureaucracy.  And then there is that whole concept of freedom and the natural rights of man enunciated in that Constitution document .  .  . 

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This time of year is very stressful for relationships. Traditionally, more divorces are filed around this time. I think people put unrealistic expectations on the holidays. Also, having to see in-laws is oftentimes not fun. In England, the first monday of the new year is called national divorce day (or something like that) because its rude to ask for a divorce in England so everyone waits until the new year.  For my firm, I have seen a large increase in calls and clients since Christmas, and am sure America is following its cousins across the Atlantic.  Just a merry thought I had this New Years.  

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Thanks to our mobile society and the fact that family law is state specific, many people are confused about where to go if they want to change custody or some other post decree need. Generally, the state that the original divorce was filed is the correct place to file such post decree motions such as change of custody, modifications, etc.  This remains true if the child remains in that state, or at least one parent.  If there is no one affected by the final divorce decree left in the original state, the new state where the affected parties live is the correct forum. There are situations (beyond the scope of this post) when the issue is murky and lawyers basically can argue one way or another.  Courts like to look at where the children reside when determining which state has the strongest interest in deciding the matter.

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I respond to on average 10 questions per day regarding various family law questions.  I noticed today that I often suggest speaking with an attorney about the matter.  Such a comment seems pretty self serving, since I am a family law attorney.But here are some random thoughts.

1. People tend not to ask an attorney basic questions that are common knowledge.  Usually a person calls me when their non attorney "experts" don't know.

2. Family law is very very state specific, and procedural issues are often county specific.  Even attorneys who work predominately with family law work hard to keep up with the complicated issues of divorce law.

3. I know how to play chess, and I like the game.  But I would never go head to head with an chess expert if the equity in my home was on the line.  If your spouse or whoever the other party has an attorney, you better too.

4. Reading a statute is one thing, arguing why and how a statute applies to a certain case in front of a judge while a person two feet away tries to trip you up is another.

I have more thoughts, but you get the picture.

Can you take care of some legal matters on your own? OF COURSE.  I recommend a simple risk/reward analysis.

Example #1: Divorce with no children, $5000 in assets. Do it yourself, or walk away give the spouse the assets, and move on. Why spend $2000 to try to get $2500?

Example #2: Estate worth $500,000.  The heir needs to get an attorney and make sure they get whats intended. So if it costs $10,000 in legal fees to essentially insure you receive $500,000-$10,000=$490,000, that's simply wise.

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80% of divorces are unilateral, as opposed to something both parties want. If this statistic is correct, then four out of five divorces are unwanted by one of the spouses. If you are the one who wants out, you'll have the power to decide when and how to best to approach the split.

This advantage is critical because once a marital dissolution petition is filed, many jurisdictions impose automatic restraints against shifting assets or changing the status quo ante (the way things were, just before the filing). That can complicate things if you do not plan ahead. On the other hand, statistics tell us that 70% of divorce filings are by women. So men, it's not likely you'll control the timing of the split, though you might control the purse strings.

But no matter who files, planning a divorce, or defending against one, can feel like taking on a second job, with so much to consider. For example, if you are the one who wants out, you must weigh whether you can trust your spouse not to financially annihilate you just to spite your decision to leave. Will he or she do everything possible to destroy what you worked so hard to attain while the marriage was working? Are there steps you can take to minimize the damage of divorce, while protecting your relationship with your kids, your property and your income?

Moreover, for many individuals, a divorce involves more than just dealing with finances and the kids. It affects not only the immediate family but perhaps elderly parents that need to be looked after, not to mention relationships with extended family members, friends and even beloved in-laws. Because of the emotional upheaval, many couples benefit from therapeutic counseling, as well as financial planning, in the act of dismantling a life built for two.

The bottom line is that you need to protect your own interests, while still being reasonable, if possible. And though you might think your spouse will act prudently, don't count on it. Very few people encounter divorce without responding in an emotional way. In the words of Ben Franklin, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

You should be prepared for the chance that your divorce may become adversarial and that, for a while, your spouse will turn into a person you never knew existed. So try to bear in mind that while you may be taking an action that you think is merely rational, it's very possible that he or she will interpret your actions differently or, perhaps worse, offensively, creating more problems. Sometimes the most devastating (and legally sound) tactic will simply p#$$ off the other spouse who will then want to get even.

Naturally, with an iron-clad prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, the divorce process will proceed in a more predictable fashion. But even then, expect your spouse to fight the the agreement's enforceability based on grounds that it might be unconscionable now to enforce it, although it was perfectly fair when it was executed.

On the whole, divorce brings uncertainly that can breed anxiety, hostility or worse. But there are steps you can take to place yourself in a more advantageous position while you determine if your differences are irreconcilable or not.

RULE #1 - Contact our firm or another MATRIMONIAL law firm as soon as you decide to go through with a divorce. Pre-planning saves an incredible amount of legal fees.

RULE #2- People almost NEVER stay unemotional throughout the divorce. Regardless of how smooth it seems in the beginning.

RULE #3 - NEVER handle your own case when your spouse has an attorney. In fact, make sure you at least have an attorney review your documents if the two of you are trying to work together on the divorce.

RULE #4 - Ben Franklin (see above).

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Many people describe Illinois as a no-fault state in terms of divorce. It's not. It's a hybrid where a petitioner may choose either no-fault, or claim one of the statutorily available "faults" to claim the other party guilty of. For strategic reasons, I shall not discuss here (otherwise I would not be very strategic!). However, know that there are still several possibly useful grounds to cite. In fact, many divorces plead in the alternative anyway, citing both fault and no-fault grounds.

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Here is a question: What do you think is more expensive, paying an attorney to draft a prenuptial agreement, or paying that lawyer to fight for your property during a two-year divorce case (in Cook County, add 1-3 years)?

I know prenups don't sound romantic on the lead up to the honeymoon, but being afraid to file for divorce out of fear of losing an unfair amount of your assets doesn't seem very appealing either.

For those who ask, "John, isn't asking couples to think about divorce before they're even married, making it more likely?"
Responses:

1. If it's that shaky, I'll be seeing them soon anyway


2. Being afraid of discussing something is a sign your afraid it will happen.  No one is smart enough to know the future. People get sick, or mentally ill. People change.


3. (My favorite) Since you know for sure it's going to work, what's the harm in
   drafting a prenuptial agreement that will not be used?

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Regardless of how my clients arrive at my office and want to know how to begin the (hopefully, but rarely easy) process of legally separating their life from their partner, they have to prepare. After all, you have to remember that life and its transactions is oftentimes messy, and people usually don't document their assets as if they are going to have to fight over them with their wives/husbands. So if you are going to see me or another attorney that specializes in divorce law, here are some I recommend:

1. Of course! Consult an experienced divorce attorney. Not your uncle's real estate attorney who is really good at closing on condos. I have a separate page on picking an attorney. Even if you aren't yet sure whether you want to get divorced, it's a good idea to get the perspective of a legal professional. I also wrote a post about clients acting on their knowledge of the law. In a word -- Don't!

2. Make a list of questions you want to ask the divorce attorney at the initial consultation. I'm surprised how many people come in to meet me without a list of questions. A good place to start is think of your top three assets: your children, your income, your cost of living. I am sure some questions will start coming to you.

3. Be very careful with what you put in writing to your spouse, whether in a letter, e-mail, or even text messaging. Come on! If you write it, you own it. I understand few things are more emotional than a divorce, but too bad. BTW, this is a good reason to have a good attorney. If I repeated some of the things an opposing party said verbatim to my client in the past, nothing would have been resolved.

3. Be civil with your spouse. You don't have to be friendly, but it is best to be courteous. Hostility and aggression will not help the divorce process. It will likely increase your legal bill, however. If your spouse is mad at you for something you said, she may decide to 'teach you a lesson.' I have rarely seen lessons come cheap, quick, or pleasant for either party.

4. Before you go to the consultation with the attorney, make a list (at least in your mind, if not on paper) of all the assets, debts, and other legal obligations that you and your spouse have. All the information you can reasonably gather about the information would be nice.

5. If you don't have them already, get copies of statements for bank accounts, investments, deeds to property, mortgage statements, retirement information, credit cards, and any other information relevant to your assets and debts.

6. Cooperate with your attorney; provide requested information in a timely manner, and be honest with your answers to questions. Believe it or not, this is one of the hardest things for a new client. People don't like to air dirty laundry with someone they met 10 minutes ago. Relax, divorce attorneys are like doctors in that we have seen some ugly, dirty, painful, bizarre stuff. And since your conversations with me (including the free initial consultation) are covered by the attorney/client privilege, you're okay. If you lie to your attorney, it's not like your spouse won't use the information, or discover it and blindside your attorney. I tend to drop clients who lie to me.

7. If you have children, think about a custody arrangement that is best for the children and that both you and your spouse can live with. Take your custody questions to the initial consultation with the attorney. Be prepared to answer detailed questions about the children and their relationship with both parents. If you're thinking about misleading the attorney because you feel bad about some aspect of your relationship, see above.

8. If there is any abuse going on, whether to you or your children, get help from community advocates or the police. If you and/or your children are in danger, look for housing away from your spouse. If you have been accused of committing any violence against any family member, obey the police! Otherwise you will also need a criminal attorney. Do not violate court orders! Even if they are erroneous or you feel railroaded. Orders can be reversed, arrests cannot.

9. Do not use your children as a bargaining chip in the divorce, or withhold them as "punishment" for your spouse. Why? The altruistic reason: they are innocent in the whole proceeding and can end up damaged if you treat them like pawns in your divorce. The practical reason: Judges, and the people they appoint to advise them about your children really don't like that behavior.

10. During the initial separation, keep a record of your spouse's contact with the children. If any significant events regarding your marriage or children occur at this time, write down the date with a description of the event. You need to become Homer. For those of you whose Greek history is iffy, he is the guy who wrote detailed accounts of important events back a long time ago. Like you will do now. Except you will be documenting a much smaller battle than Troy.

I hope this gets you started. Last thing, I know collecting information is a pain, and can be frustrating. That said, too bad. Do it.

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New research shows that the "seven year itch" that was once the bunt of marriage jokes has now been decreased to a "three year itch".

According to studies, couples are now opting for divorce quicker than ever in America.

The Research

Researchers studied responses from various sets of couples: One group that had been together for three years and the other that had been cohabitating for four to six years.

"We know the earlier ones are happier," reported Professor Kelly Musick, a sociologist at the University of Southern California. "The initial boost that marriage seems to provide fades over time."

The study also revealed that the average time that first marriages last is a little more than seven years.

This means that for more that half their married lives, couples will be less satisfied and happy than they were when they walked down the aisle.

Faster Paced Lives, Fast Divorce?

Celebrity divorce attorney, Raoul Felder, believes that Americans are opting out of marriage faster due to the fast paced lives we now lead.

"We're all addicted to a television-clicker lifestyle," says Felder.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer agrees with Felder stating, "People are so used to everything being disposable. They throw out diapers, lighters, coffee cups, so they can throw out marriage."

(Source: San Francisco Chronicle)

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I recently discussed meditation and how I think it can be more useful than many think. However, in Illinois the court does not have to order mediation when there is evidence of domestic violence. What does that mean?

Our legal system does not want to force people who have been abused by their partner to have to sit in mediation and possibly be subjected to further abuse. It takes more than bare allegations, however, and false claims of abuse will get people in trouble quickly.

Remember that the other side isn't going to sit still against such allegations, especially if there is no evidence of violence. My advice? Since the judge is the jury in Illinois divorce proceedings, don't make an allegation of domestic violence unless it's true. If you are accused of domestic violence, and you feel it's not true, you should usually fight the accusations. Of course, I am not giving specific advice here, just making general comments. Talk to your attorney about your particular situation.

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All divorcing couples with children in Cook County are required to attend mediation regarding contested custody and visitation issues.  Its free, but not painless.

Although many people dread this forced exercise, I think any time the parties are in the same room, good things can happen.  Besides, since the judge is not there, you have no risk of "losing" anything (other than time, and some legal costs).

Lastly, why do good attorney's keep the process going when you want to run out of the room after only 10 mintues?  Because like many arguments, mediations usually need the early blustering by all sides before progress can be made.  Although few people think anything will be resolved in mediation, there often is. Why?  Because although you may not walk out with your divorce or custody fight wrapped up, many smaller issues can be resolved. 

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