Family Law Lifeline : Chicago Family Lawyer & Attorney : John Steele Law Firm : IL Divorce & Adoption

I received an interesting question the other day that really shows me people do not know what they are doing when they say "I do":

MY HUSBAND LEFT ME TO LIVE WITH ANOTHER WOMEN,7 MONTHS AGO. NOW HE WANTS TO COME BACK. I PUT HIS NAME ON THE TITLE OF MY HOUSE. HOW CAN I KEEP HIM OUT OF HERE. CAN HE COME BACK WHEN HE HAS BEEN LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMEN. 

My Answer: You can't.

This got me to thinking.  There are two things that people decide to do that make no sense, statistically speaking:

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At the end of the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the bad guy and Indiana finally arrive at a room holding a bunch of goblets and guarded by an old man.  One of the cups was the one Jesus used at the last supper, and anyone who drinks from it will get to live forever.  The bad guy picks one, drinks from it, and is immediately turned into a pretty gross corpse.  The old man looks at Indiana and says, "He choose poorly".
 

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A frequent question I receive often:

My x was order by the court in my divorce decree to refinance in 90 days to have my name removed from our joint property....or he has to sell with my coroperation....he said he was letting the property foreclose....what can i do to keep this from effecting my credit....my name is on everthing...he has not taken my name of the property as far as taxes, insurance, nothing....what can i do so that i will not be finacially responsible for this debt.

My answer:

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The beginning of the new year seems so full of opportunity and also allows everyone to make their latest 'new years resolutions'.  While many will fail (including my resolution to eat better), it is part of our tradition to review, analyze, and attempt to correct our current shortcomings at the turn of the calender.  

As I have written before, this time of the year is also one of the busiest for divorce lawyers, as many people's new year makeover do not include their spouse.  I have several new clients who literally are waiting until this coming monday to deliver the bad news to their spouse.  Many people figure that ending things in the middle of the holiday season is a pain, especially when children are involved.  

Last thought: Not all divorces in 2010 need to be messy. The parents who can put their kids before their new boyfriend/girlfriend simply handle things differently then parents who allow personal feelings or anger over the divorce to affect their innocent (and non-blameworthy) children.

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 I received several inquiries today from people who wanted to know how they go about enforcing an oral agreement.  My first option would be to get a time machine.  That way the person can go back, grab a lawyer, have him draft an agreement, and get the person to sign it.  My second option would be . . . look at it as a learning experience for next time when you should grab a lawyer, have him draft an agreement, and get the person to sign it.  

Let's be logical about this (I know that is not common in my line of work).  Here is one typical example: I person who you promised to spend the rest of your life with, who discovered you were cheating on them, makes a verbal agreement with you regarding your rights to see your children and how much child support to pay.  No need for lawyers because 'they just cost a lot of money".  Six months later, when your ex meets the new love of her her life, she suddenly doesn't seem real accommodating, files a petition for child support, and claims you have never paid a dime.  Oh, and she cuts off visitation until 'things are worked out in court', maybe in 9 months or so.  All that could have been avoided.  

This may be counter intuitaive, but your ex will normally be at their most agreeable right before the divorce is final. Both sides want it over, each person needs the other to sign off on the MSA, and each person has this self perception of themselves as reasonable.  Also, neither party has usually fallen in love with their new boyfriend or girlfriend, so you have not been relagated to unwanted ex yet.

And don't get me started about child support.  The number of men paying cash for child support when there is no agreement in place explains why con artists are so successful: there is a sucker born every minute.

Here are my bulletpoints from this post:

1. GET A LAWYER.  You can always make more money, its harder to make more kids.

2. Child support, visitation, custody, and parentage need to always be in writing.

3. Do not put off hard issues for later, put them in writing up front.

4. Do not verbally change a written agreement unless it is VERY minor.

5. Unless you are a family lawyer, do not agree to anything orally or in writing until it is reviewed by and attorney and you understand it.

4. NEVER pay money to someone that you cannot prove you paid that money (I know this is obvious but . . .) And If you pay child support in cash call me because I have a bridge in brooklyn to sell you.

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Maybe not, but I promise you won't win the argument!

I just read about an attorney (who shall remain anonymous) who was suspended for one month for his behavior in court.  Suffice it to say that despite the increasingly lax atmosphere of Cook County courtrooms, judges still do not like being disrespected.  And, as an attorney who focuses on family law, I have had the opportunity to get to see the divorce judges in action enough to know which ones will put up with some attitude and which ones will hold you in contempt quicker than you can apologize. 

I recently fired a client who refused to listen to my advice regarding his behavior in court.  Why would I do that if that client was paying his bills promptly? Two reasons:

1. Reputation is everything in the legal system. And attorneys and judges know which divorce lawyers will sell their services to the anti-Christ if he paid a retainer.  I don't.  When an attorney gets up and says "Judge, what happened is X", the judge will be more critical if that same attorney was in the same courtroom the week before claiming some nonsense at the behest of an unreasonable client,

2. Clients who are jerks to the judge will be jerks to their attorney.  Its a simple truth borne out from first hand experience (and will be the subject of a future post). And clients who are jerks tend to do other bad behavior, that will cause me as the attorney to have to defend or explain.

Last thought: When I go into the hospital, I know I am out of my element, don't really know what is going on, and I tend to follow directions from the 'experts' (the doctors). Courtrooms for non-attorneys are like hospitals for me.

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It is not cost effective to pay an attorney $250 to fight over $20.  Such an obvious truism loses against the rocks of emotion in a divorce.  While some attorneys see such silliness as an opportunity to make their mortgage payment early, I thinks its dishonest to promote such behavior.  Several random thoughts when people say "It's about the principle":

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Social networking sites have hit the mainstream and many of us have made it a daily routine to check and update our Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter profiles. These sites can be a great tool to allow us to stay in touch with friends and family and to keep them up to date on our lives. Social networking sites must be used responsibly though, especially when going through a divorce. Divorce can be an emotional and difficult process and spouses often give in to the temptation of trying to inflict emotional pain on each other and have begun to use the Internet to inflict this pain. Lawyers are now investigating these sites to find evidence and they are finding a gold mine.

Posting nasty comments about the other spouse, the opposing attorney, or the judge is never a good idea. These comments become available for everyone on the web to see. Not only do these comments unnecessarily inflict emotional pain and make the divorce process harder than it has to be, they may carry legal repercussions. Bad mouthing the judge is the quickest way to make an enemy and hurt your chances in court. Putting down your spouse may cast you as a mean or irresponsible person. No judge wants to help the bad guy!

Others have begun showing crazy party pictures with beer bottles scattered around the background (remember that your friends may tag photos of you too). Others post pictures of the new cars or luxurious vacations to the tropics. Hey, living well is the best revenge right? It is, but posting pictures of this new lifestyle will not help your cause. First, you will come off as irresponsible. A judge does not want to give custody to mother who is taking body shots or the father who is downing a beer bong. Secondly, the judge may start to guess if you correctly disclosed your net income, which controls the amount of child support you pay. If you make 30,000 a year and you just posted pictures of your new Ferrari and vacation to Hawaii, you may be in trouble. Once the judge starts to question your honesty, you are in trouble.

Although it may be tempting to vent about your divorce over the Internet, you should avoid giving in. The more private you can keep your divorce, the better. These “web attacks” serve no legitimate purpose and they will not heal the pain you are going through. Often, they will hurt your chances in court and make your lawyer’s job of presenting you as a good person or parent very difficult. They can be especially damaging when pursuing custody of children. Try to keep the amount of comments and pictures to a minimum. When posting, avoid discussing or showing anything that is related to the divorce. In the age of the Internet, it is now your responsibility to present your self as an adult in and out of the court room.

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Although impossible to know, I often wonder what percentage of Orders for Protection filed in Cook county are legitimate.  Not very many would be my guess.  Soon I shall once again go to court for another client who has been accused of violence against their significant other, amazingly filed at the exact same time as divorce paperwork! Here is how the (scam) OFP works:

One parent wants to  (a.) be the residential parent for the children, and get the monthly check that accompanies custody, or (b.) wants exclusive possession of the home.  So they suddenly realize (usually with the suggestion by someone else who has already done this) that they can claim, with or without proof, that their loved one abuses them.  Then a judge decides who is telling the truth.  Its a classical he said-she said.

There are legitimate cases of abuse and there are some people that need protecting.  Those situations are pretty easy to see however, as there are police reports, neighbors, past criminal problems, etc.  Another note:  Why is there so few OFP's filed when there is no children (and forthcoming child support checks) in the relationship?

There is a backlash occuring however.  Judges that find people who have lied about the need for an OFP are dealing harshly with false accusers.  I shall not mention how I handle those situations since I am currently involved on several of these cases.

Lastly, it is up to lawyers to look at the situation, and not go along with every demand of their clients. Lawyers who go along with frivilous claims are selfish and hurt their own client.  Why? Lawyers know that OFP's ensure anger, litigation, and more fighting (and thus more fees).  OFP's-Use with caution.

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I have been meaning to post some thoughts about legal retainers.  Basically, for those of you who have not had the pleasure of retaining an attorney, there are two things you need to do: 1. sign a retainer agreement and 2. pay a retainer.  (Side note: Do not ever use an attorney unprofessional enough to not use a retainer agreement).  The retainer is a sum of money paid by a new client to their new attorney to be held in trust by that attorney until such time as that attorney performs work and thus earns some of that retainer.

So why use retainers?  Well, attorneys need to get paid for their services.  And not all potential clients are forthright about their ability to pay.  And once an attorney begins work on a case, its frustrating to work for a month or two, find out your not going to get paid, and withdraw.  So attorneys want to make sure their new clients have some sort of money to pay them with.

The real issue of this post is what is the right amount for a retainer and does retainer amounts have to do with the quality of legal services, or whether a lawyer is good.  Unfortunately, not much.  Obviously good and bad attorneys can charge little or a lot.  What is really silly is trying to compare attorneys by the amount of retainers charged.  Why?  The amount of retainer has nothing to do with the amount of money that attorney will charge you for the entire case.  For example, attorney A charges a $1500 retainer and attorney B charges $4000.  A's final bill is $5000, B's final bill is $4500.  B was the cheaper attorney.

Relatedly, you cannot tell anything about an attorney from their retainer. In our previous example, A could be a better attorney who, with his wisdom, could tell the legal matter was a small one he could solve easily, and should only be $1500, whereas attorney B just wanted as much money up front as possible.  Or maybe B knew it was a $1500 type of case, but was hoping to drive up the bill.  I am not saying there are a lot of unethical attorneys out there, but there are some.  More important to this post is do not get blinded by the retainer, listen to your gut as to how the attorney would handle your case.  A good attorney will tell you exactly what he plans on doing (in non legalese). A good attorney will answer all your questions, explain how they bill, explain the amount of retainer, and be more than happy to detail their billing system, including their hourly rate.

Lastly, a good attorney will not be afraid to discuss your case with you at no cost in my opinion.  I would never charge for a consultation.  If a potential client has money to hire a lawyer, comes to see me, and ends up not hiring me, it just was not a good fit. Such a scenario happens infrequently enough that I am comfortable with taking the time to meet potential clients this way. In the end, good service is the key to a smooth and complaint free practice.

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Divorces are rarely sudden or unexpected events.  Perhaps they may seem that way if one is caught with their future spouse in a compromising situation.  But even then, the marriage was in trouble long before a wandering eye brought the malfunctioning marriage to a formal end.  I have had two potential clients come to me recently that reminded me of the power of proper planning.

One man came to me and expressed his concern about the state of his marriage and asked what he should do to protect his ass(ets) from his spouse.  He had not even raised the subject of divorce with his wife, but wanted to know if there was certain actions he should/could take in order to minimize the cost/drama in the event of a divorce.  Around that time, a new client retained me that had the opposite approach.  That person knew that the marriage had been over for along time, but did not want to face the reality.  So they kept thinking with their heart, instead of their brain, and now they were pretty much wiped out, had allowed their spouse to convert marital assets to non-marital assets, dissipate assets, and damage their relationship with the kids.  

My gut tells me that had that client seen another person going through the same thing, they would have thought, what is (s)he doing?!  But because they were so emotionally involved, and because people are, deep down, eternal optimists about the ability for the marriage to suddenly fix itself, they hurt themselves mush more than if they had been open to the possibilty that the marriage might not work.  Call me cynical, but it is a fact that more than half of the married people under 50 reading this will be divorced.  If I told someone that there was a better than 50% chance of getting in a car accident today, do you think that person would take some precautions?  Planning your marriage like its a levee  in New Orleans isn't sound.  And thinking "what if" doesn't mean you don't love your spouse.  It means things happen.  

My first client got it, the second did not.  The first client will minimize his losses in the event of a break up, the second is screwed.  Many people, when confronted with the advice of what I call "marital contingency planning" find my advice to be cynical, and even harmful to the institution of marriage.  Ironically, women are most likely to denounce such a discussion. I say ironically because women overwhelmingly are the ones that are hurt by divorces in general, and lack of planning in particular.  Research has shown that women generally make less money, are less happy, less likely to enter a new relationship within 2 years, and have a lower standard of living after a divorce.  The opposite is true for men in each of these areas. And the worst part is that the ones refusing to acknowledge when their relationship is on the rocks, and what that may mean are usually married to someone who IS planning ahead.  Guess who wins in those situations? 

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I was helping two people move on with their life this past week (i.e. wrapping up a divorce), and they seemed to be willing to at least talk about reconciling down the road.  Don't get me wrong, the wife was over it, and the divorce was going through.  But they asked me, is it better to remain separated or get the divorce, considering there is a small chance of getting back together.  My answer: Get the divorce.  

Now before you think I am some greedy heartless divorce attorney, I will say in my defense I had already been paid and was 30 minutes away from completing the divorce. So freezing the process would have been the advice of a sleazy lawyer.  Here is why. #1. Its much cheaper to get a new marriage license then keep paying for legal fees.  #2 Its much easier to wrap up the tail end of a divorce then get remarried.  #3 It allows the parties to honestly evaluate getting back together without pressure.  #4 Its fun to get married.  It has to be, otherwise why do people do it so often, quickly, and without understanding the marriage laws of their state?

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In recent weeks I have noticed a few instances where a client will attempt to 'help' their attorney when the parties are in front of the judge.  Despite being the only person without a legal background within 10 feet of the judge, many clients feel that they need to explain their side of the case.  This often is accompanied by that client's attorney grimacing.

Why?

Because family law judges have forgotten more than many attorneys know about family law.  And compared to a non-lawyer, well  . . . Second, judges are easily annoyed, especially when they have to explain the law while a crowded room of other cases are waiting to be called. The biggest problem is that you cannot take back what you say.  And since the judge knows the law better then you, they will take what you say against you, and your attorney will also be hamstrung down the road thanks to your comments.

My advice is to help your attorney prepare ahead of time by giving them all the information you can, take notes during hearings/trials, and speak only when asked a question by the judge (or on the witness stand of course).

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As I get ready to take a long weekend and enjoy spending time with the family, I want to wish everyone a happy holiday.  The next month always seems to go by in a big blur.  Enjoy the turkey!

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Today I had two clients whose actions cost them more money.  So it made me think, 'Hey, let me mention 5 or so things I have seen clients do that ended up costing them more money. So here I go:

1. Changing your mind - Divorces work best with plans (battle plans, discovery plans, etc).  When I get a call from a client who decides that the plan that sounded so good 24 hours ago is now no good.  Or perhaps a 12th attempt at reconciliation!  Now I understand things change, and I am at the service of my clients (within reason).  Just keep in mind that if you are building a home, it gets expensive when you keep giving new orders to your builder.   Similarly, if your attorney has to keep changing overall goals, demands to opposing counsel, or he shifts positions, it stretches out the divorce, and makes both sides spend more time (time=money). 

2.  Forgetting your job title.  If you are not a family lawyer, the middle of your own divorce is not the time to pretend.  I know that family law is emotional, and clients are always eager to help their case.  But I also think a person needs to find a lawyer they can trust, put their faith in that attorney, and listen to that person.  I have too many stories for this one, but I think its pretty obvious. 

3.  NOT FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS! This would be number one if I was listing by importance (rather than simply free writing).  I do not get why someone pays me a good deal of money, and then ignores my advice.  For example, I tell Mr. X to not go back to the marital home without a police officer to keep an eye on things and prevent the spouse from claiming something that did not happen.  Latter that night I get a call from . . . Mr. X's sister, who wants to know if I also do criminal defense for domestic battery. Mr. X. couldn't call because he was too busy at the police station getting his fingerprints taken.

4. Don' t lie to your attorney.  Most people know that under most conditions, a lawyer cannot tell others what their clients say.  But when you lie to your attorney, they prepare your case as if you told the truth.  This causes problems, as the other side will almost always know the truth.  This usually comes out at a hearing and not in a helpful way to you.  Plus, good divorce attorneys will drop you if its a big lie.  Getting a new attorney up to speed is expensive too.

5. Get past the marriage.  If you are in a divorce proceeding, you are still married in name only.  You are not to trust the other spouse anymore.  Do not tell your former sweetheart what you and your attorney are going to do.  Do not obsess about what might have been.  Do not become inflexible.  Treat the marital home as an asset, not a collection of memories. 

Bonus:

One of my favorite lines I keep telling clients over the years is "It's only money, you can always make more".  Meaning if you worry about money to the point where you are trading it for peace/time/happiness, its time to reevalute.  I have been in cases, where I tell my client, for $10K you can end the divorce X months sooner, is it worth it to you?

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I've discovered yet another good reason to have an attorney.  This new reason applies more to female clients than male ones. 

I've had my share of cases where the other party has shown a history of bullying my client, both during the marriage and during the seperation (prior to retaining me). 

Its frustrating when I first speak to a new client, and realize their spouse is bullying them into giving up their rights, or marital assets.  Without an attorney to stand up to such a jerk, who can bring the appropriate motion to the court if necessary, clients are better able to start a new life.  Oftentimes, attorneys most important role is as a conselor, someone who can explain to an afraid woman how crazy rantings of their spouse is just that: rantings.

Its hard for someone who as been pushed around during their marriage to suddenly stand up to that same person during their subsequent divorce proceedings.  And thats why attorneys are especially necessary in those type of cases.  Divorce attorneys have no problem whatsoever standing up to the aforementioned bullies for several reasons. First, they have no emotional attachment to the case.  Its not our children that the other spouse is threatening to take away.  Second, us divorce attorneys deal with combative situations, threats, and argument for a living.  Getting yelled at, or having someone angry with them is no big deal.  Third, a manipulitave spouse knows how to push their spouse around, but doesn't know how to manipulate a stranger, much less one who deals with marital conflict for a living. 

Personally, I think its entertaining when some big tough guy who thinks he can bully me like he is used to doing with my client. 

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Recently I was in negotiations in a divorce and the last thing holding up the parties from signing the settlement agreement and finishing the divorce was how to divide up the last $400 in debt. After I suggested that the two parties just split the amount, my client agreed, while my client's spouse wanted to postpone wrapping up the divorce until they could sit down and figure out how much debt was his.  It was silly.  He was willing to pay $1000 in legal fees to fight over $400 in debt. Me and the other attorney finally convinced the person to be reasonable.  Considering how far this courthouse was in relation to Downtown Chicago, I was determined to stay until I could make the other side see the light.
Anyone who reads this blog knows that I counsel my clients that there is a monetary value to one's time, especially if that time is spent fighting one's former loved one in public.

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The end of summer means several things to me:

1. Football is almost here.

2. It will thankfully cool down soon.

3. Divorce season starts up in earnest.

However strange it may seem to some people, divorces are often planned out around other aspects of one's life such as children returning to school, graduation, selling one's business, retirement, etc.  Of course, some types of divorces come year round, particularly those instigated by by one spouse's decision to have a girlfriend or boyfriend in addition to their spouse.  But the end of summer and January are times when people sit down and evaluate whether 'till death do us part' still sounds good.   Or perhaps along with the new gym membership, its time to see what else is out there.

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If your spouse is paying child support or maintenance to their previous spouse, your assets are in danger. That is what the Illinois Appellate Court recently explained in IRMO Takata and Hafley. To summarize, Husband divorces Wife 1 and marries Wife 2. Wife 1 (as part of her 11 year odyssey to go after the husbands assets) serves Husband an interrogatory (a list of questions) in which Husband answers incorrectly that Wife 2's IRA is partially his. Wife 2 is drawn into the fight, and has to prove the IRA is hers alone. The Court finds she did not give enough evidence, and voila, Wife 1 gets part of Wife 2's IRA. No word on if Wife 2 is filing to become Ex-Wife 2.

This extends the misery many divorced people face to their new spouses. Remember that Illinois presumes most assets (especially homes) are marital if obtained during the marriage (even if in one spouse's name). Since a previous wife can always go after the husband's assets for child support or maintenance increases, and a marital home purchased with a new wife is half his, that means the first wife can go after his half of the new home. The real danger is to the unsuspecting second spouse, who may have paid some or all of the down payment to a home only to see the home sold by the court to satisfy a debt to a person they never met. The court made it clear in Takata that any creditor (including a spouse who is owed money) can reach any property that is solely in the name of the new spouse. Many times, a person will receive an asset as a gift from a family member and due to their treatment of that asset, it becomes marital, unbeknownst to them. So if your not careful, perhaps the car your parents gave you risks being seized to pay your spouse's debt. Of particular concern to me is that in Takata, it was the husband's erroneous answer in a legal document and nothing that the new spouse did that cost her the IRA.

Despite the almost universal disapproval by family lawyers, this newest divorce trap is the law of the land in Illinois. The case contains nuances, and every person whose spouse pays child support doesn't need to rush to the bank and close the joint checking account. But answering legal paperwork without an attorney, or not understanding what exactly what your doing can really hurt, just ask Mr. Hafley.

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Illinois statute requires prevents a couple from getting a divorce until they have been living separate and apart for at least two years . . . unless BOTH parties agree to waive that requirement.  In other words one spouse can hold up the marriage for 2 years if they want to.  This can lead to one spouse holding the divorce paperwork for 'ransom', especially if that other spouse is ready to get remarried to the new love of their life.  Such a roadblock can usually be resolved like just about everything else in life.  Can you guess what one spouse can give to another to change their mind during a divorce? You guessed it!  Money, and sometimes lots of it.

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Any attorney who practices for a while will have a client fire them. It's a shock the first time, because as attorneys, we sort of take on our clients problems and fight for them. Any decent, or great, attorney never consider that they are letting down their client. To suddenly be told that we are no longer wanted can be hard.

Interestingly, this last week I took over two cases from other attorneys and had a client let me go. Changing attorneys is not that difficult, and any good attorney will facilitate the transfer of the client's file to the new attorney. For example, when I called the first attorney who I was taking over for, he was polite and sent me the file immediately, gave me an update on what was going on in the case, and wished me the best. The second attorney I was taking over for was less polite, but he was younger and frustrated that he was losing a client (and their money). The reality is family lawyers run into each other over and over again, so most attorneys know how the system works.

If you do not get along with your attorney or if they do not like you, trade them. You are paying for a service, and your attorney should provide that service to the best of his ability and smile while doing it.

Lastly, if an attorney gives you a hard time when you fire them, tell your new attorney, they will take care of it.

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I have finally figured out a reason to get married (This only applies to Cook County):When you get a divorce, and you fight with your ex over child support and so on, you go to the Daley Center, a nice place with an elevator system that is as an exciting opportunity to learn, and clerks that are always there to help with a smile.  (sarcasm).  But even when the Daley center decides that 95 degrees is a wonderful building temperature, it is nowhere near as close to the devil's home as 32 W. Randolph.  See, that is where you go when you were never married to the person you are now fighting with over child support. I shall not wax on about my thoughts on the 14th floor, other than to say bring a book (and a backup), your disinfectant spray, and the least expensive, stain resistant suit you own.  My favorite 32 W. R. story is I once was told that the judge couldn't make it that day, and there were no other judges available.  Continuances for everyone! That really helps out my schedule, Thanks! Venting is therapeutic. 

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Random thought I had today:

If a person entered into a legal contract with someone and was told there was a 50-85% chance that relationship would fail, and if it did fail, that person would be in litigation for some time where every asset they every owned and their future income would be at risk, wouldn't that person want to protect themselves?

We get insurance for our homes, yet it is more likely that a married person will get a divorce than use their home owner's insurance.  And don't get me started with some of the other insurances or preprations we all take that almost never occur compared to a divorce.  Flood insurance, title insurance, etc.

I know the standard arguments against prenups: one invites failure by preparing for it, it takes the romance out of what should be a love based relationship, and the list goes on. But what some people do not understand is that there are two relationships that begin with marriage; the symbolic/religious ceremony AND the legal one where you fill out various government forms.  Whenever you are forced to sign legally binding, government forms with ominous warnings on them, I recommend that you stop planning the reception, quit treating the trip to the courthouse as an annoying errand, and read what your agreeing to.  If you don't read it them, odds are you will learn what it said while sitting in my office.

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Arghhhh! Why do a few of my clients feel the need to lie, shade the truth, omit facts, or whatever you want to call it? (I know the answer, I am being rhetorical). If you pay me to represent you, I do not pass judgment.  I am not your conscious.   When you do not tell me the truth, I will still get it.  Sometimes I get it while standing in front of a judge on the 16th floor of the Daley Center when opposing counsel is showing written proof that the statement I just made about you is total crap.  But I eventually do get the truth.  The only time I have decided to withdraw from a case is when the client kept lying to me, and wasting my time. So the moral of the story is: Tell your attorney everything.  Do not lie, and do not ask him to lie.   The only thing I have to disclose is an obvious thing like if you tell me you are going to go kill your spouse tomorrow.  I have to try to convince you to change your mind, and then I have to tell the police.  So in other words, do not kill your spouse.  If you must, don't tell me.  
Lastly, and relatedly, do not become my associate attorney, and figure out a case strategy, thereby determining what I need to know and what I do not need to know. That is my rant I had to get off my chest.  And for the 2 clients this rant is about, be happy that my venting on my blog saves you money, since I won't yell at you as much tomorrow.  

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No this is not a post about the two certainties in life, but rather how one affects the other.

I will not pretend to even scratch the surface of tax law in a blog post, just a couple of helpful tips:

If you are married at 12:00 midnight on December 31st of Year X, you can file a joint return.  If you get divorced on Dec 30th, you CANNOT.

Alimony (its now called Maintenance for P.C. reasons) is not taxable to the person giving it, it is taxable to the receiver.  The opposite is true for child support.  This is very important (see the next point)

Oftentimes, the two spouses are in different tax brackets.  So $1000 in gross income might equate to $650 in after tax income to one spouse and $800 to another.  If spouse 1 in the higher tax bracket can shift the tax burden to spouse 2, spouse 1 can give more money and still pay the same in taxes:

Scenario #1

Spouse 1 pays $1000 in monthly child support, no reduction in taxable income or tax bill. His tax bill on the money he does not see is $4200. Ouch.

Scenario #2

Spouse #1 pays $1200 in monthly alimony, reduces his taxable income by $14,400, reducing his tax bill by  $5040. Reduce that savings by the extra $2400 he pays for the year ($200 a month more), and he still saves $2650. Spouse 2 has to pay tax on alimony, but since their tax bracket is normally MUCH lower, spouse 2 either pays none, or minimal tax. Even if Spouse 2 is in the 20% bracket, they only pay $2,880. The difference between $5040 and $2880 equals $2160 insavings due to simple financial planning. The bigger the numbers, the bigger the savings.

There are many legal tricks available to save parties money, and more importantly, get the two sides to agree.  If spouse 2 gets more money than they would otherwise, and Spouse 1 saves more then he would otherwise, compromises become a lot easier.

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I am putting together a seminar to address people's concerns and questions about divorce, child custody, and child support in Chicago next month.  It should be interesting.  I hope to be able to provide some perspective and explain the overall process.  I think that as family law attorneys, we forget that most people don't really know what the process is, and what they think they know is simply wrong.  A friend mentioned that it seemed strange to offer a seminar to educate people about family law for free.  After all, with enough information, one can go to the courthouse and take care of everything themselves.  I gave his three rebuttals: First, I have found that the more I share information with people, the more they come to trust me and the more business comes my way.  Many people do not feel like trusting their life's savings and children's future to self help forms, and a 'gut feel' earned through Law & Order reruns.  Second, I have found that it is often cheaper and quicker to bring an attorney in from the beginning.  I have worked with people who started their divorce themselves, realized they were in over their head, handed their case to me and I had to clean it up.  Cleaning can be costly, and almost always involves 'restarting the case', since few non-attorney's actually show up to the many status checks required by the court, and allow their divorce to be dismissed.  Third, so what?  If people have a simple divorce, with no children or property and agree to everything, they probably don't need an attorney.  For those people, I suggest trying it yourself with perhaps an attorney reviewing the decree (thats the final and important court document that lays out everyone's post divorce responsibilities). I will see.     

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I shake my head when I read papers from people declaring that government needs to get more involved in people's private lives: http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1084562 The problem with such government meddling is that it doesn't work.  Communism's failure in the 1900's is a stark testament to the unpredictable nature of central control.  Unintended consequences result from every action.  A simple example: You save a bird, and feel good that you helped out a living creature.  But that bird has an illness that makes people sick, and proceeds to infect dozens of Chicago citizens.   Similarly, the Miami city government years ago had to address a rampant rat problem, so they decided to import a few hundred cats, today there is a larger wild cat problem in that city than the rats ever posed.  Do we really want 'incentives' for good behavior (at least what the government decrees is good behavior).  In the above paper marriage was deemed a good status and unmarried cohabitation was deemed a bad state of living.  But there are horrible marital situations filled with abuse and neglect, and unmarried couples leading commendable lives.  No one size fits all solution has ever  worked, especially when created by a federal bureaucracy.  And then there is that whole concept of freedom and the natural rights of man enunciated in that Constitution document .  .  . 

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Caught an article out of England where two adopted siblings married each other before realizing they were biologically related.  That has to be tough.  Consider the emotional, sexual, and legal issues in that one.  My first thought was how silly it is not to use DNA testing more.  As I have discussed in earlier posts, men are signing legal documents committing them to 18 years of support without knowing for sure they are the father.  One simple DNA test.  If the state required it, then men throughout Illinois wouldn't get yelled at by angry wives/girlfriends for asking for it.  In the England case, DNA testing of couples would have saved a lot of pain and public embarrassment.   I know people have this Orwellian based fear of DNA.  But DNA is great, it doesn't lie, you can keep retesting to your hearts content, costs are dropping,  and it avoids awful legal and social problems.  I say have a DNA profile that is secret (like a SSN), and submit it during key moments in your life to a lab for comparison.  
DNA testing has released innocent men from prison, and should be allowed to release innocent men from false fatherhood (or marrying their siblings). 

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I have recently taken on a couple clients that were separated at least two years ago, and are still married.  This is a dangerous situation.  The legal system didn't really contemplate such situations, and the disconnect between modern living situations and how legislatures assumed people would live back in the 1950's can cause problems.  There are obvious problems, like surviving spouse rights (you die, the person your married to gets a statutorily required amount of your estate).  When your only separated, yet win the lottery or get a lawsuit settlement, that is marital property.  You fall into a coma, and your beloved 'wife' who is living with her boyfriend might get to decide when to pull the plug. Oops.  And don't get me started about cases in which one spouse (usually the man) comes to me and explains he needs a divorce right away because his girlfriend of 2 years is pregnant and wants to get married before the child is born.  Talk about no leverage in the divorce mediation hearing. Sheesh. I am not quite sure why people wait to cut the legal ties to a relationship that is in fact over, but I highly recommend not waiting.  As a family law attorney, I see people oftentimes regret keeping the legal ties of a long lost relationship.  I also think that it is hard to emotional move on and grow when you still have baggage from your past.  I would expect new partners must not be really wild about seriously dating a person who is technically married.  These comments so not apply to those people who are in the midst of a divorce, but are simply hamstrung by the glacial pace of Illinois divorce law (especially if there are major disagreements with spouses).  But if its all over but the paperwork, cut the ties, and move on.  Lastly, there is something in Illinois called a 'legal separation', but my opinion is not to bother.  Don't pay an attorney to file twice (once for the legal separation and once for the divorce.  Legal separations are usually seen when one spouse wants to 'let down' the other spouse slowly.  I have never seen a couple get back together after a legal separation.

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I have a client who is currently going through both Bankruptcy and Divorce.  So for those of you who think Divorce is bad, think about adding a federal claim in open court that you are broke.  Thankfully, the Bankruptcy code was changed in 2005, and while some aspects are harder on consumers, in other ways it is better.  I specifically like Chapter 13, as it is an option for people who have decent jobs but who just got in over their heads in consumer spending (and perhaps predatory mortgage refinanciers).  Our firm also helps people with Bankruptcies, and I have seen cases where filing bankruptcy may prevent a divorce filing down the road.  Due to the heavy regulation surrounding Bankruptcy, it is not prudent for me to give much advice or comments on a blog site about Bankruptcy and why it is sometimes a good tool to start over.  But if you email me, I can send some material I have compiled from federal websites that are interesting (No, not advertising material). Anyway, just want people to know that sometimes Bankruptcy is a better solution than letting money matters ruin your relationship and/or personal sanity. 

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Recent situation came to my attention.  A new client explained to me that he came home one day from work to find that all of his wife's possessions were gone and she was no where to be found.  He has since never heard from her (this began 4 years ago).Not to worry!  Illinois does not require that you physically serve your spouse to effectuate a divorce.  You can give constructive notice (a fancy way for saying "telling your spouse") via newspaper announcements.  In fact, its oftentimes a straightforward process, and only takes a few months.

This is also one of the family law areas I am comfortable doing a flat fee arrangement (since I know with a great deal of precision how much time it will take).

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Like many states, Illinois statutes relating to marriage and children often and mistakenly assume women do not cheat on their husbands. For example, if a child is born to a married couple, and nothing is said or done by either person, the state (and the courts) presume the husband is the father.  Ok, thats a good assumption.  But what if its not the case?  At the risk of sounding like Jerry Springer, there have been two people who have asked me questions recently along the lines of "I'm married and had a child, my husband is on the birth certificate.  What rights does the actual father have to see the child?"

Now, setting aside my non-legal opinion regarding promiscuity and birth control, I still find such questions insulting from a legal perspective.  First, the biological father should have a chance to develop a relationship with his child.  Of course, the overriding factor is 'best interest of the child', and the court will look to that and NOT what would make the biological father happy.  However, the biological mother usually cuts out the biological father (after all, his usefulness is over) and creates a baby rearing dynamic that is sure to lead the court to cut out the biological father in the name of 'not disrupting the environment' of the baby.

Don't worry Biological dad, if the mother ever gets divorce, and she thinks you would be a better child support donor, she can go about having the state recognize you as the father, and then you lose 20% of your income (plus its unlikely you will get to see the child).

My advice for almost EVERY legal matter is to demand/fight for your legal rights immediately.  Waiting usually reduces your right to claim a grievance or get redress.

Men: If you are in a situation where you do not want to confront these complicated legal issues and do not want children from your 'funtime', there are ways to insure this (hint: they are round and in the drug store).

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I was reading the pleadings for Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan.   As most people know, he is divorcing his wife, Linda, of 23 years.  It was very enlightening.  Linda's Petition offers several lessons:

1. Review all pleadings.  Her Complaint incorrectly listed the date she was MARRIED, among other things.  That makes her look bad in front of a judge, and makes her look silly.

2. Be reasonable with Children.  The only minor child, Nick, is 17.  Thus in any court in the country, Nick will have a VERY large say in who he stays with (assuming Nick is somewhat responsible).  So don't ask the court to grant sole custody absent any input by a 17 year old child.  The Hulk responded by asking the court to seek the opinion of Nick.

Now, who looks reasonable in this?  If you answered the Hulk, you are right!

If you have been following my blog, you know I would give Hulk (or more accurately, his attorney) a gold star for understanding the importance of good will with the judge.  Also nice that they look more organized, more honest, and quite simply, smarter.

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I have discovered that a couple of my clients have other legal issues in their life besides the 'big legal issue' in their life. Although Divorce can seem all consuming, it does not mean that car accidents, house payments, and those other pieces of life are going to give you a pass. If you, or someone you know, is letting other facets of their life slip because they are overwhelmed with the divorce, or they just don't have the energy to deal with two major legal headaches at once: Get Help! Problems rarely go away by themselves. Today I helped take care of a minor legal issue for someone that was brought up during a meeting regarding their divorce. Had I not addressed it, it would have evolved into a major waste of time for her down the road. (and unnecessary legal fees)

The point is divorce can often take over your world and alter your perspective. Don't forget the things in life you need to do AND like to do. Remember that the marriage will be over at some point, but you will still need your credit rating and your sanity.

No more Dr. Laura for a while, I promise.

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Well, I just spoke to a new client that lives in southern Illinois. I decided to take the case, partly because I like to practice family law. For instance, I would not drive six hours to do a real estate closing. More importantly, I like fighting to correct a bad situation. I like helping people, righting wrongs, whatever you want to call it. I get to help a child improve her custody arrangement (we will leave it at that for confidentiality reasons). I realize this post is sounding like I am patting myself on the back, but my original intent in this post is the realization that I just agreed to represent someone (albeit in a small matter) in a county I have never heard of, pretty darn close to Kentucky! Maybe I can combine it into a day trip/vacation!

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80% of divorces are unilateral, as opposed to something both parties want. If this statistic is correct, then four out of five divorces are unwanted by one of the spouses. If you are the one who wants out, you'll have the power to decide when and how to best to approach the split.

This advantage is critical because once a marital dissolution petition is filed, many jurisdictions impose automatic restraints against shifting assets or changing the status quo ante (the way things were, just before the filing). That can complicate things if you do not plan ahead. On the other hand, statistics tell us that 70% of divorce filings are by women. So men, it's not likely you'll control the timing of the split, though you might control the purse strings.

But no matter who files, planning a divorce, or defending against one, can feel like taking on a second job, with so much to consider. For example, if you are the one who wants out, you must weigh whether you can trust your spouse not to financially annihilate you just to spite your decision to leave. Will he or she do everything possible to destroy what you worked so hard to attain while the marriage was working? Are there steps you can take to minimize the damage of divorce, while protecting your relationship with your kids, your property and your income?

Moreover, for many individuals, a divorce involves more than just dealing with finances and the kids. It affects not only the immediate family but perhaps elderly parents that need to be looked after, not to mention relationships with extended family members, friends and even beloved in-laws. Because of the emotional upheaval, many couples benefit from therapeutic counseling, as well as financial planning, in the act of dismantling a life built for two.

The bottom line is that you need to protect your own interests, while still being reasonable, if possible. And though you might think your spouse will act prudently, don't count on it. Very few people encounter divorce without responding in an emotional way. In the words of Ben Franklin, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

You should be prepared for the chance that your divorce may become adversarial and that, for a while, your spouse will turn into a person you never knew existed. So try to bear in mind that while you may be taking an action that you think is merely rational, it's very possible that he or she will interpret your actions differently or, perhaps worse, offensively, creating more problems. Sometimes the most devastating (and legally sound) tactic will simply p#$$ off the other spouse who will then want to get even.

Naturally, with an iron-clad prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, the divorce process will proceed in a more predictable fashion. But even then, expect your spouse to fight the the agreement's enforceability based on grounds that it might be unconscionable now to enforce it, although it was perfectly fair when it was executed.

On the whole, divorce brings uncertainly that can breed anxiety, hostility or worse. But there are steps you can take to place yourself in a more advantageous position while you determine if your differences are irreconcilable or not.

RULE #1 - Contact our firm or another MATRIMONIAL law firm as soon as you decide to go through with a divorce. Pre-planning saves an incredible amount of legal fees.

RULE #2- People almost NEVER stay unemotional throughout the divorce. Regardless of how smooth it seems in the beginning.

RULE #3 - NEVER handle your own case when your spouse has an attorney. In fact, make sure you at least have an attorney review your documents if the two of you are trying to work together on the divorce.

RULE #4 - Ben Franklin (see above).

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I was asked the other day about how child can become emancipated. I always find such questions interesting since the person asking me rarely understands what emancipation means in legal terms. In Illinois, a minor who is 16 or 17 may petition the court, and IF THE PARENTS CONSENT, and the child can show they can financially take care of themselves, the court may emancipate them. Now. . . does that seem a likely scenario? Not usually. Not a lot of 16 year olds drawing a paycheck that can support an adult lifestyle. Not a lot of 16 year old parents feel like losing the tax advantage, or lack of control over a teenager they feel a moral duty to raise.

More likely are scenarios in which a relationship between a child and one or both parents are really poor. In the context of a child whose parents are divorced, one parent (or the child) wants to restrict access to the child. Court looks at . . . best interest of the child (If you have been reading my blog you already knew this!). If one parent is bad, or the parent's environment is bad, the court may alter custody or visitation.

If the scenario is one disgruntled child wanting to leave his or her parents, the typical answer is, "Tough". Kids often don't like rules, rebelling is part of growing up, and so on. Of course there are cases involving abuse, which need to be dealt with, (normally in Cook county by the Department of Family and Children Services).

As is the case with most of family law, it is extremely state specific. In Minnesota for instance, there is no statutory provision for emancipation at all.

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I have attached a good article that points out that owning a business, even if it was given to you, does not shelter it from your ex-spouse.

The amount most assets appreciate (like a small business) is subject to division by the court, even if the original company/asset/home/etc. is not.  More than a few surprised looks on a people's faces when they incorrectly assume their company is out of reach of their spouse.  Usually it's too late by the time the divorce papers are filed.  If you, or your spouse has a valuable asset, it is better to speak with an attorney prior to the divorce to better understand what you can do.

Minding Your (Own) Business in Divorce

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The Law Offices of Sharon T. Sooho published a great article in November 2005, titled 10 Holiday Tips for Divorced Parents.  As a divorced parent, I have found it to be very useful, and hope you do too!

"Divorce is emotionally draining, especially during the holidays and special occasions. Divorced parents must communicate with even more diplomacy, patience, mutual understanding, respect, and tolerance than married couples planning holiday travel, dinners, reunions and gift-giving. Juggling schedules during marriage is hard, and it only gets harder after divorce.

"Here are 10 tips for making sure everyone enjoys special occasions:

"1. Plan Ahead

"Develop a parenting schedule before the holidays.

"Avoid scheduling the children for dinner with Dad at noon and a second turkey dinner a few hours later with Mom. Instead, arrange for Dad to spend the entire day with the children in all odd-numbered years, and have Mom spend the holiday with them in all even-numbered years.

"If possible, hire a parenting coordinator, usually a child psychologist or divorce lawyer appointed by the court to act as a decision-maker until a judge makes a different decision. You have quicker access to the coordinator than the judge, but the coordinator must be paid.

"2. Keep Your Word

"Stick to the schedule. Arrive on time and drop off the children on time.

"3. Keep in Touch

"If the children are not with you for the holidays, call them, and be sure to send cards or email. Consider celebrating the holiday or birthday before or after the actual day. Children love parties and gifts any time - nothing fancy - but something special you create just for them.

"4. Let the Children Keep in Touch

"If the children spend the holiday with you, let them speak with the other parent. Give the children any cards and email from the other parent, and read the messages to young children who cannot read. If the children are too young to call, help them make or receive a call, and let them have a quiet moment to speak with the other parent. Make sure to avoid planning an exciting activity like gift-opening at the same time that the children are scheduled to speak with their Mom or Dad.

"Remember, children usually have a short attention span, so do not blame the other parent if conversations are short.

"5. Safe Travel

"Make travel arrangements with airlines for long-distance travel. Airlines provide supervision for unaccompanied minors for a nominal fee.

"6. The Art of Gift-Giving

"Coordinate gift-giving with the other parent. Do not give your child a cell phone if you know Mom is giving her a phone. If your ex-spouse will not cooperate, go ahead with your own plans, but do not complain to the children about the other parent.

"7. Acknowledge the Child's Right to Enjoyment

"Let your child take gifts to your ex-spouse's home. Conversely, if your child brings home a new toy or bicycle, let your child take it back to her Dad's home, if she wants.

"8. To Each His Own

"Let the children spend Mother's Day with Mom and Father's Day with Dad.

"9. Create Your Own Celebrations

"Do not insist upon attending your child's birthday or graduation party if your ex-spouse is throwing the party. Give your own party on another day.

"10. Give Your Child Permission to Love Both Parents

"Help your child buy or make a gift and card for the other parent, if the child is too young to handle the tasks herself. You are doing your child a favor, not your ex-spouse, because you are giving your child permission to love the other parent - the best gift you can give."

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I recently read an article about a spouse using Spyware to catch the other spouse cheating.

Here are my thoughts:

First, if you feel like you need to use such measures, your gut is telling you there is a problem, and your gut is usually right. Second, if you have no basis for spying, but just want to "keep an eye on things," you have control issues, and need to learn how to trust your spouse before you cause the breakup.

Third, the purpose of such snooping is not to utilize the results in court, but to confirm your fears. As I often say, this is not the movies, and surprises don't really happen in the courtroom anymore.

Lastly, in most states, intercepting electronic communications without the knowledge of the other person is illegal. So I cannot recommend such action anyway. Only someone blinded by their sense of "getting the other person" would acknowledge in open court that they broke the law.

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Here is a great article about how Hallmark is making cards geared towards the African American community.  Apparently, Hallmark publishes a card that allows people to thank their single moms for raising them without a father.

70% of black children are born to single mothers, so from a cold business perspective, Hallmark is doing what it always does, following the money. But besides getting an "F" in the Political Correctness department, why not make even more money and make Hispanic and White oriented cards?

Happy Father's Day Mom

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I read an article today about a NY couple who is going to court over a $48,000 engagement ring. Quite a bit of law about this, ironically. Rings are the only gift that are legally fairly easy for the man to get back. Most other gifts "in anticipation of marriage" usually stay with the woman.

First, common sense, and common law say that a gift given from Person A to Person B in anticipation of Event X, means that if Event X doesn't occur, all parties go back to their respective position prior to the deal/contract/agreement. The law doesn't always make sense, but in this case it does. If Person A gives a car dealer his old car as a down payment for a new car, and the transaction is not completed, does the car dealer get to keep A's old car? Of course not.

Second, many times this situation comes about because a woman feels wronged by the man, and this is a way of getting back. Like many aspects of family law, decisions to keep the engagement ring have nothing to do with common sense, but rather hurt feelings or anger. People know when they are getting something they don't deserve.

Third, sometimes men will say "This ring is for you and you can keep it even if we are not married." This situation is rare, but certainly the woman keeps the ring here.

Lastly, I blame the man as well. In the story the man is 21 years old. He should have better things to do with his money than to buy a $48,000 ring. If you have an urge to blow money on a ring like that, there are ways to gift it in such a way as to make it part of the marital estate. Remember, that if a person gifts something to someone, regardless of the situation, there is always the risk of not getting it back or even thanked for it. And at the end of the day, a man who does not get the ring back can console himself with the fact that a bad marriage will always cost more than the ring.

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I read a funny article (funny for an attorney, I guess) about how women are surprised to have to pay support to less well off husbands:

Women Increasinly Paying Alimony

I laugh because I have seen looks of confusion on women's faces when I bring up prenuptial agreements to them. A common response is, "Oh, I make more than he does; I don't care about a prenup." A prenup is not a device to protect males from overreaching by females. It is a tool to prevent the other side, regardless of their sex, from getting more than you want them to have.

Ideas such as "the man is the breadwinner" is as sexist as "women should be bare foot, and pregnant, in the kitchen." I promote prenups to all parties because to me a potential spouse shouldn't want to have more than what's fair.

One guarantee I can give is that people tend to interpret 'fair' a lot differently one month prior to a marriage, as opposed to one month after catching their partner in an affair. On a related note, the state of Illinois doesn't care about cheating spouses for spousal maintenance purposes.

Ladies, Get a prenup!

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Here is an article talking about how you may be liable for filings you didn't even understand:

Taxes and Divorce

Here is the scenario, one partner, lets call the person "Pat," files the joint tax return, instructing their partner, lets call the person "Morgan," to sign on the dotted line while rushing out the door on April 15th. Morgan finds out AFTER divorcing Pat, that Morgan is now responsible for underreporting on the part of Pat, relating to a business Pat ran that Morgan never even knew about. Too bad Morgan.

Okay...

1. There is a reason that highly intimidating people or agencies like the IRS, Cook County, and banks make you sign paperwork. When you sign things, you become liable for whatever that document says you are now liable for. The government is not asking you to sign official documents because they have nothing better to do. So the next time someone tries to rush you or push you into signing something you don't understand, you have been forewarned.


2. Notwithstanding #1, innocent spouses may try to get relief. Without giving legal advice, I can state that it is typically a complicated road to travel, and depends on individual circumstances. Talk to a lawyer, preferably not one who made you sign his/her retainer agreement without reading it.


3. Read #1 again

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Article by "Divorce Magazine" that I found interesting and have long believed.

The old adage that couples should stay together for the sake of the kids is silly. Children flourish with the least amount of stress, fighting, and upheaval. While having two parents live in seperate homes is upheaval, at least you're not giving them a daily dose of stress as to when the next round of fighting will break out.

ARTICLE BELOW:

"Good news for girls?

A recent study suggests that divorce may provide a better outcome for school-age daughters than if the parents were to remain in a turbulent marriage. While most research into the effects of divorce on children compares the outcomes of children whose parents have experienced divorce to those in traditional, two- parent families, this study's author utilized data containing observations of children whose parents filed for divorce but did not subsequently divorce as compared to those whose parents did actually divorce. While Mark Hoekstra, an economics professor at the University of Pittsburgh, agrees that boys and girls from two-parent intact families perform better academically than boys and girls whose parents divorced, he discovered that girls whose parents divorced tend to perform better in school than girls from similarly troubled families whose parents initiated divorce proceedings but remained married.

Hoekstra studied detailed student records on behavior and standardized test scores in Alachua County, Florida, as well as divorce records, from 1993 to 2003. By matching divorce records to student records, he was able to identify 690 students whose parents divorced and 111 students whose parents filed for divorce but later withdrew their petition. According to Hoekstra, the first- and 10th-grade girls whose parents divorced scored an average of slightly more than eight points higher on standardized reading and mathematics tests than those whose parents filed for divorce but later requested the case be dismissed. The differences persisted four years after the divorce.

Interestingly, no academic differences were found for boys. Hoekstra suggests that one potential reason girls in families with rocky marriages are more likely to experience academic problems is that they may be more adversely affected by conflict than boys. The opportunity for girls to have a closer relationship with their mothers, who are often the primary custodian when parents divorce, may also explain their stronger academic performance, he adds."

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Thinking about strategic options and angles to take is fine. Stay involved in the case and help your attorney. Heck, sometimes I would settle for being able to reach my client by phone. But unless you're an accomplished divorce attorney, don't act like one (and a smart divorce attorney going through a divorce knows to hire someone anyway). Silver bullet theories that will blow away the other side only happen in the movies or on TV.

I think legal TV shows have created an amazing misunderstanding of what happens in the courtroom and between lawyers generally. The biggest problem is when shows like "Law and Order" make it seem like a murder investigation and trial takes about a week (oftentimes, actors have the same clothes on for the entire trial, making it seem like a one day affair). Although divorce cases can take only a couple of months, many last longer than two years, especially if there are substantial assets or child related issues.

Lastly, 'Perry Mason surprises' that blow the case so open that the judge can't help but rule for you and send everyone home in time for dinner, only happen for Santa Claus (see Miracle on 34th St.). I love "Boston Legal;" it's funny. But leave the Denny Crane act to William Shatner. In Chicago, it's more likely to irritate the judge, and cost you down the road.

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Taking out your frustration on your soon-to-be-ex is usually a short term peace of heaven not worth the resulting enmity and legal bill. It's hard to keep your cool, especially if the other side is not following the advice immediately above. But most of the time, cooler heads report more satisfaction with the process. Remember that when you're venting, the stress you're creating goes in all directions, including right back at you.

I've seen clients work themselves up figuring out how to respond to their partner's recent legal move. Just relax, use the legal system and your attorney. Divorce is stressful, but you hired an attorney to reduce the stress right?

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Although I have recommended retaining an attorney, that does not mean you are then absolved from common sense or acting responsibly. If the court orders a payment for fees, or orders anything for that matter, COMPLY!

Not following directions leads to several things, all bad:

1. The judge gets frustrated with you. This is the person who will be deciding more things down the road.

2. The other party will get frustrated with you. Reduces your chances of settling issues quickly and amicably.

3. Your attorney will get frustrated with you. I don't like getting yelled at or responding to petitions to make my client do what they are supposed to do.

4. The other party's attorney will get frustrated with you. He cannot appear to his/her client that he is not forcing the other side to honor the court. Plus if it relates to his/her fees, that attorney will have extra incentive to pursue the matter.

5. You will be frustrated with you. All the extra and unnecessary attorney work directly translates into more hours billed (which you pay). Also, the court isn't going to change its mind because you have ignored it. Usually just the opposite. So you still have to do what the original order says and perhaps suffer a penalty for being hard headed.

Fight for your position, do your best, but always comply with a judge. It seems simple to some, but apparently not to everyone.

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When the marriage is going well, people tend not to keep abreast of how the money is coming in or going out. When the relationship sours, one or both parties suddenly wants to know financial details. Unfortunately, that is usually the most difficult time to glean financial information. I'm not recommending that if you are married you need to snoop around on your partner. That can create problems where none exist. What I am saying is listen to your gut/common sense. I have seen situations where one person didn't even know their partner took out a mortgage on the family home. For example, if your partner has unexplained money or purchases, you either look into it or "pull an ostrich." When these situations arise and I ask the client about it, I get the sense that the client suspected a problem, but decided not to pursue it because they didn't want to know.

It's OK to let your partner pay the bills, or handle the checking account, or whatever, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what they are doing. For example, having online access to the marital checking account is pretty simple.

Last thought, this is particularly true if your partner has addiction problems, gambling issues, or any external pressure to come up with money.

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I am not a 'furniture attorney.' I advise people to step back sometimes and stop using property as a proxy for taking out frustrations/vengeance on the other person. If you don't want to be with your significant other, getting out of the divorce is bigger win than the kitchen table. I agree that fighting hard for what you think is right for your children is important. But as my dad used to tell me, "It's only money; you can make more." I would add that time is irreplaceable.

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Study showing what I think is an underreported phenomenon. We (family law attorneys) are going to keep seeing more and more of this stuff. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/emotionalaffairs/f/onlineaffairs.htm Illinois allows for both fault based and no-fault divorces, with the vast majority being no-fault. But easy access to computers, plenty of alone time, and the low risk thrill of pretending to be someone else lures people. Sometimes it's not merely marriage ending. Recently a story in Newsweek talked about a married man with kids began an online affair with an 18 year old high school student. In addition to losing his marriage, he ended up in jail when he tried to kill a co-worker who was competing for the affection of his online girlfriend. It turns out the 'girlfriend' was really a women in her 40's living in a trailer somewhere in the south.

My thoughts about computer use, especially in the family home is simple . . . public access, and common areas. Shouldn't be a problem if someone comes up behind you (unless you're shopping for a present for them I suppose). If your significant other is hiding his activity on the internet (passwords), surfing at night when you're asleep, and is vague about his computer use, what would you do? Ask yourself this: what would you do if that person acted that way about a room in the basement? Would you accept it? Probably not. I'm an attorney, not a marriage counselor, so I'll leave it at that.

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Person going through a divorce recently discovered a harsh lesson. Wanted to mention it. His wife got a second mortgage on the house without his knowledge. (I posted about this already). His signature was required on the loan docs. How did he not know? Well, the wife had a friend who was a notary.

She falsely notarized the docs after the wife forged his name. He tried to fight it, but its a he said/she said. The size of the marital estate precluded handwriting experts, and the other "law and order"/CSI stuff people think is normal in court. He basically lost all his equity in the home.

What would have prevented this? Well, first you can't prevent all bad things from happening to you. It's like the analogy that anyone can break into any home with enough time and desire. But mortgages are public documents, and usually the marital home is the largest, or second largest asset. You would check to make sure your IRA still had the funds it was supposed to on a regular basis wouldn't you?

Lastly, don't treat a notary or a notary stamp as some special talisman of propriety. Almost anyone can become one, and none of them that I know of keep their stamp in a safe place.

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My follow up to my brief post yesterday. Postnups are harder to effectuate because of the relevant lack of consideration given by the two parties.

Think about it: a prenup is a legal contract in which a person is saying "In consideration of you signing this agreement, I agree to marry you." In a postnup, you're saying, "I agree to continue doing what I am already doing in exchange for you signing the contract." Not much given up by you is there? They can still hold up, but are scrutinized a lot more, and easier to set aside.

Why do people ask me for post nuptial agreements? 98% of the time it's because they are considering a divorce. Guess what? Courts don't like that. And the other person is usually not stupid and will tend not to give up their legal right to something in exchange for you remaining married.

My advice is to speak with an attorney (like me) that specialized in family law matters and structure your life to give you the protection you are seeking in the post nuptial agreement. I'm biased of course, but I think my point makes sense.

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Get them. That's all I need to say about that.

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When people hear that marital property is subject to "equitable division" in a divorce but non-marital property is not, the first thing they want to know is, "What do I have that is non-marital?" As is often the case in divorce cases, the answer is "maybe, depends, and ultimately its up to the judge."

Generally, non-marital assets are those that were owned by someone prior to the marriage or received through an inheritance or certain gifts. Most things are marital property, including windfalls received during marriage (lottery winnings for example), and of course any wages earned. Also, don't forget that increases in value to property during the marriage is usually marital.

This is only a short illustrative description and there are many things to consider and discuss with your attorney in regards to determining the nature of property.

Also, since many of the things that one party wants to make non-marital has a large monetary value (home, IRA, car, etc.) the other party will usually contest.

Lastly, a non-marital asset can quickly and easily lose its status if the other party contributes to the asset. I saw a situation where one party had a non marital home asset and the other party's attorney offered to help pay the mortgage payment while the divorce was pending. How nice of that person! Of course, the offer was an obvious attempt to pay a couple thousand dollars to get an interest in a valuable piece of real estate. The client was all excited about getting help paying the mortgage, but was happier when I said no to the plan and he later walked away with the entire home.

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Divorce Trainers to Strengthen Your MindsetDivorce trainers are becoming more popular as the often-quoted statistic that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce stills remains true in America.

For those who are enduring the emotional repercussions of divorce, a divorce coach lends a hand to encourage patients to look to the future and leave the past behind.

What is a Divorce Trainer?

Divorce trainers are specialized life coaches who are trained to give their patients the support and trust that many of them don't receive while going through such a life-altering event.

Barbara Kahn Stark explains that in terms of the emotional effects of divorce a divorce trainer can "make all the difference in the world. The judicial system's not set up to deal with that and neither are the lawyers."

While some divorce trainers are licensed therapists and others are not, their overall message tends to be the same.

Most divorce trainers hope to instill in their patients the notion that as with any life transition, divorce may be stressful but it helps to contribute to an individual's personal growth allowing them to become stronger in the end.

Who Are Divorce Trainers?

A good portion of divorce trainers have gone through divorces themselves and have made it their job to help others get through the obstacles that they've successfully overcome.

For instance, Scott Brown, the founder of the Divorce Network says that he got into the business in order to give divorce, which has become a norm within society a "better name."

Henrietta Harrison, a divorce coach in Connecticut explains that, "As long as there are so many people going through the difficulty of divorce, there's a benefit in them getting some assistance with it."

(Source: www.courant.com)

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